I admit it. I am still a reforming parenting control freak.

You wouldn’t know it to chat to me. Or by the fact I am into unschooling and trusting my children. But in all honesty it is a constant effort not to “do things for them”, or more often “to tell them or make them do it the ‘right’ way.”

Embracing trust and letting go of control is a conscious decision I make several times a day… at dinner its more like several times a second!

To follow are some of the tips and techniques I’ve found useful in my own journey, I hope that it might assist all you other reforming parenting control freaks out there!

1. DON’T WATCH

This method is great for wild play or climbing. Rather than shouting “be careful or you’ll fall and break your neck” and probably make them fall and break their neck in the process, I have found it sometimes better just not to watch. If I find myself bursting to say something I try to limit it to “do you feel safe doing that?”.

2. BUILD YOUR OWN SANDCASTLE

Whether watching your child build a sandcastle or make a birthday card for your partner, sometimes the best advice is to do your own as well. Creating one yourself allows you to let go of your child’s creation. You can still help but come in on a very defined task of your child’s choosing, think of yourself as an “outside (and subordinate) contractor” rather than an equal partner in their project… after all you’ve got your own!

3. ASK QUESTIONS

Its a powerful exercise to spend a day trying to ask questions and not telling at all. Questions can be used for evil as well as goodness since they can have big agendas behind them (”are you going to wear that?” or “do you think that’s appropriate?”). So even better is to try to ask questions that you do not know the answer too. If done with an openess it can shift you into a spirit of being playful and curious which is much more fun than being anal and controlling.

4. IT’S ABOUT YOU

Every time something is pushing your parenting buttons and you want to try to control something/ change someone/ make something right etc etc.. A useful shift is to focus on yourself. To ask “how can I make an internal shift to better deal with this situation?” Basically its trying to accept the behavior of your child and focusing on your own behaviour/ modelling (something you do have some control over).

Another aspect to this is if you really, really need to comment, doing it from your perspective, eg. “I find that…” rather than “you should…”. Commenting and then being open to what happens (or does not happen) next is quite an art.

5. GET PERSPECTIVE TO EMBRACE CHANGE

In the midst of a “situation” it can be useful to get perspective by remembering what your child was like one year ago. Even two years ago. You might even carry some pictures to make the point to yourself. Impermanence and change are universal characteristics but can be most obvious in children. Seeing how they are changing and growing might remind you that this moment will never, ever come again. That in turn might assist you accepting it joyfully for what it is right now.

6. TAKE THE UNDIES AND CAPE OFF

Know your imperfections and embrace them. Get rid of the undies and cape (ie any attempt to be a super hero) instead just be you. Self acceptance of yourself including your faults will generally help to accept others as they are.

7. EMBRACE LEARNING AS EXPERIENCING

Telling someone the answer is not nearly as effective as them experiencing it. So have confidence to give your children the space to fall, fail and whatever as they experience and engage with life.

8. ENJOY THE RIDE, FORGET THE DESTINATION

Try to let go of the perfect picture or end result by really focusing all your attention into what is happening right in front of you. If your child has just smothered cream over your kitchen table try to let go of the image of a “pristine table” in your head and ask “what can we do with this creamy table?”. Perhaps you might end up drawing in it before cleaning together? Perhaps drive toys cars over it? The possibilities are endless and a better way to occupy your mind than worrying about what “should” be happening.

9. DISPLACEMENT

If you still feel that “controlling beast” in you just waiting to rear its ugly head, then perhaps one strategy might be directing it more effectively. Take the pressure away from your kids and choose something definable to assert your control over. It might be your desk, your sock draw, for me it was the (unfortunate) dog we got. Something to let your controlling nature out where it wont do damage to your children or partner while you continue to work on getting rid of it altogether.

10. PARENT LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW

At those really trying times, imagine what would be your response if this was the last day you spent with your child. How would that affect your level of compassion, understanding and acceptance. Would it really be so important that they behaved in the way you want? Parenting like there is no tomorrow is a great final line when all else fails.

I’ll let you into a well kept secret on this one – if you do parent like there is no tomorrow, one day you will be right! So enjoy the day while its yours and your child to share. Let go and trust!

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That’s some of the approaches Ive used… please feel free to comment and add your own below.

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Why have the unschooling magazines gone?

First Live Free Learn Free went electronic and now seems to be no more. Then more recently Life Learning Magazine got absorbed into its bigger cousing Natural Parenting Magazine.

Meanwhile Connections online magazine seems to be the last one standing but is very infrequent.

So if unschooling is growing what is happening to all the unschooling mags?

I suspect its a combination of three things:

1. that the people putting them out are often unschoolers themselves and want to spend more time with their kids
2. that it is difficult to find appropriate advertisers for an unschooling publication which by definition does not rely on curriculum or ‘out of the box’ solutions
3. that there is a vibrant and growing blogosphere and email culture within the unschooling community

I personally hope that a new magazine or one of the ones mentioned stages a major comeback (hint hint Danielle… please get more Connections out!)…

Until that time if you are looking for inspiration and support as well as the many fantastic blogs you can access a range of great egroups where unschooling mums (they are pretty much always mums) offer their time and wisdom extremely generously. I still lurk on some egroup pretty much every day to help keep me on track.

To help find what might be right for you, I just did a major update to the Unschooling & Parenting Egroup review page which you can read here.

One of the most noticable newcomers is a social networking site for radical unschoolers, my post “Snapshots” below was part of the blog carnival that has been launched on that site, but there are many other options listed also.

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I really enjoyed writing a post a little while ago about “Finding the Yes”.

However i feel motivated to write a little more clearly about this topic given the steady stream of mainstream (and often alternative) parenting commentators talking about how essential boundaries and “just saying ‘no’” are. From Dr Phil right through to personal development writer Stephanie Dowrick, it seems extremely unpopular to “just say ‘yes’”.

The “anti- ‘yes’” movement makes a number of assumptions. In particular they assume that ‘yes’ generally comes from one of two perspectives in parenting:

1. the first is the ‘yes’ that comes from submitting a parent’s own needs. Its a yes that is actually insincere and generally followed by a great deal of resentment. It is often called “permissive parenting”, though given that permissive refers simply to “giving permission” i think a more accurate term would be “submissive parenting”. This can be a real problem but it does not lie in the “yes”, rather that the yes comes at someones expense… the classic win/ lose scenario.

2. the second sort of ‘yes’ that such commentators refer to is one that comes from a place of not caring or participating in the child’s life. It is sometimes called “unparenting” or in many cases simply being negligent.

But there is a third perspective that is generally ignored… and its not “just saying ‘no’”.

The “yes” that i was talking about in this post is one that has a context. It is one that is supported with positive modeling, connection and communication. It is a “yes” that finds solutions that works for all parties involved and might therefore involve looking at underlying needs behind a request and perhaps involve negotiation or evolution.

It is miles away from what such commentators generally talk about.

Its not one i always manage to find but its definitely one i’m committed to seek out more and more.

It can be found in a parenting style which is extremely proactive which is why i like using the description of it being “the most hands on way of being hands off.”

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Its been a year and a few days since I wrote a post called “Snapshots” which you can read here. A year later, M is 6yrs and Z is 2yrs. So here goes another snapshotWhat they are saying:

• M: “Daaaadddy… can you come here?” calling from the bunk bed that Anne got her, to ask me to pass up pencils/ beads/ paper etc so she does not have to climb down to get them
• Z: “what’s that?” and pointing at almost anything and everything

What they love doing:

• M: drawing; watching dvds; us reading to her; playing on sesamestreet.com; having “adventures”; playing at friends houses; playing with her imaginary friends; doing craft and woodwork; climbing trees; “practicing her karate moves” with her little brother (more like dancing); jumping on the trampoline; and climbing through the whole in our living room wall.
• Z: talking about fire trucks; playing with toy fire trucks; playing with Lulu our dog (crawling under her); watching dvds in M’s room; playing chasey with Lulu & Maya; climbing on anything; driving a scooter around the kitchen; sitting in water (baths, puddles, anything); and covering every inch of the kitchen with water while playing with boats in the sink.

What I am loving about them:

• M: how she challenges us from pointing out our inconsistencies (”but yesterday you said…”) to getting us out of our rut by regularly declaring, “today I want to do something totally new!”
• Z: how he loves to do jobs with us from taking out the compost to cooking dinner; and how he’s so very small yet so incredibly opinionated and fiesty

Some of their quirks:

• M: how she talks to three imaginary friends: Ginger the cat, Lavender the fairy and Forest the dog who show her how to do karate, make magic and do new dance moves… and how she likes her toast cut in fours, with the crust off, then ‘lightly stabbed on top’ to make it bumpy (sometimes i just give her the knife if Im not up for getting it just right)
• Z: how he loves putting things on his head. His favourite is a plastic sieve which he calls his “fire hat”, but if we give him a plate with rice we have to clear the table as soon as he has finished otherwise it too will likely be turned into a hat and we will be picking rice out of his hair and our bed for the next week (the picture above is Z with a flower pot on his head playing with Lulu… and yes the flower pot did have dirt in it before he found it)

What I want to remember from today:

• M&Z: how during our walk M danced the whole way home and Z tried to copy her moves; how they helped me make banana icecream for the first time (why didnt we do that before!?); and the way M, Z and Anne all played chasey with Lulu until Anne collapsed in a heap

Please add your own – grab the same headings and share your own snapshot in the comments below or if you have one on your blog…

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Ive been writing less for the Pit lately… but Ive got a good excuse. In between hanging out with my family and doing our home biz with my partner, I have started to write a book!

Don’t worry, its nothing to do with parenting… Ill leave that to people with much more of a clue than I

Im writing a sci fi novel which i aim to finish by this time next year. Assuming i find a publisher I expect you all to buy multiple copies, even if you have no interest whatsoever in sci fi, ill try to get it the right size so it can help prop up that couch of yours with the dodgy leg!

But in the meantime i wanted to mention some very good friends and truly inspirational people who have written books which are available for pre order:

The Wonderful Place by Chrissy Butler

I always feel so much better after talking to Chrissy. She is one of the most down to earth people I know and her house and family always seem abundant in generousity and love. The illustrations in her children’s books reflect her personality – they are creative, interesting and brimming with compassionate wisdom.

Her first book was the story of the homebirth of beautiful Jimi Jaz and this new book is about full term breast feeding. Actually they are the themes of her books but really her stories and illustrations are about fun, love and connection… a great addition to any children’s library.

You can view images of Chrissy’s books and order internationally from her site here.

Chemical Free Kids: Raising Healthy Children in a Toxic World by Sarah Lantz

If we feel like we need to be more open to life and its possibilities, if we want to grow and develop… we often will find ourselves ringing Sarah & her partner Jason for inspiration.

I first met Sarah through student politics years and years ago. At the time she was the Women’s Officer for the Australian national union of students. Anne & I continued to have the opportunity to work with her and be inspired by her in a number of social justice & environmental campaigns that we were involved in. Sarah is smart, passionate and the sort of person who really engages with life.

Now a Mum, Sarah has combined her passion for parenting, environmentalism and health in this new book.

Find out more and preorder Sarah’s book here.

Other Books…

Anne & I were so excited to see A Divided Heart: Art & Motherhood by Rachael Powers in our local bookshops. Rachael is someone we went to playgroup with years ago and since lost touch with but her book on mums being artists while being mums will be of interest to many.

There are other books to look out for. Ive got a short review of Ginger Carlson’s excellent Child of Wonder which I need to finish up and post but rather than wait you can find out more here. Then fellow homeschool blogger Tammie Takahashi has published her book Deschooling Gently which you can read exerpts of and order here.

Buy them all! Just make sure you start saving to buy several boxes of my sci fi book too

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A conversation today between me and Z. Lulu is our dog, Z and her were jumping on each other for much of this chat. At 2 years old Z is using two or three word sentences which we are generally skilled at understanding, so for example “Me milk Daddy” means “please get me my milk Daddy” etc.. however I totally missed this one…

• Z: Me lick Lulu
• ME: Did Lulu lick you?
• Z: (shouting) Me lick Lulu!
• ME: (nervously trying to validate) Um… You didn’t like Lulu licking you?
• Z: (screaming & waving around a toy truck threateningly) ME LICK LULU!!
• ME: (beginning to get panicky) So… you REALLY did not like Lulu licking you and you would like her to stop?

pause while Z licks Lulu on her face

• ME: (relieved but disgusted) Oh… you were licking Lulu?
• Z: (just relieved) Yeh

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A few days ago, as I was trying to work out how much pasta to cook, talking to Z and M (who is 6 years old)

• ME: How hungry are you both?
• Z: Um… nine!
• M: This much (holding her hands about 15 cm apart)
• ME: Ummmm… OK… (I just put the whole lot in… )

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Last week after Z threw a doll at M then chased her trying to stab her with a straw

• M: I hope you get killed you big pesty pest… NOW GO AWAY YOU YUCKY, HORRIBLE MONSTER… I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
• ME: (totally ignoring everything I wrote about siblings fighting in my last post and starting to lose it) BLOODY HELL, DO YOU HAVE TO SPEAK SO RUDELY TO HIM!??!
• M: Chill out Dad, its just an expression!
• Z: Yeh Daddy!!
• Me: (deep sigh…)

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I’d love to hear some of yours, please feel free to add them to the comments below

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Sibling fights… There are those who intervene at the first sign of trouble. Then those who just “let them work it out” and don’t intervene at all.

My current approach is to intervene when I think I can be of some assistance by facilitatating rather than solving. It involves a clear intention if not a difficult balance – to help empower my kids rather than create a dependency on my involvement.

So rather than jump in and “rescue” them as is my gut reaction, it takes immense self control to help them work things out for themselves. Part of this of course involves knowing when to stay out of it altogether, which I still often miss. But it might also involve “holding a space” by being calm, accepting and compassionate… its a little known fact that such qualities are actually contagious, so by bringing them to the situation I am almost inviting my children to be a part of it.

It does not always end nicely though and some times they get physical. Z tends to view the best defence as being the best offence, so will hit if he feels threatened of uncomfortable. M will sometimes get frustrated or annoyed at a ruined project or plan and will strike out also.

At such momens I will definitely intervene but again I try to be aware of my intention and how I enter the situation.

The other day when I came into the play room and saw Z crying and M looking angry I could have guessed that there had been hitting, but I managed to avoid saying “what happened?”

Instead I held and cuddled Z, asking where he was hurt (information I needed to ensure that he was ok physically). Then I said to both of them, “you guys must be having a really hard time… can I help you?”

My offer was one of connection and concrete support and it was sincerely made to both of them.

It has been so empowering for me to let go of blame. I do not really need to know what happened or who hit who first. I have no intention of being a detective, a cop… let alone a judge or punisher in my family.

They were both hurting in different ways and they both needed love. Sometimes I would help facilitate some issue that was behind the conflict, other times they would choose to take space and resolve it themselves later on. In this case it involved M angrilly going to her room… then ten minutes later sheepishly inviting Z to join her in there and play a game.

Im sure my approach will develop and change as my young children develop and change… but right now it feels right.

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Pit Stops are posts where i choose a theme and profile some sites. According to my web stats only about 30% of the people who visit the Pit are from Australia, so sorry to all you others for whom this is less interest. This month, homeschooling & unschooling online resources for Australians…

JOYOUS LEARNINGThis is currently one of my favourite online places to hang out. Its a message board (online forum) created by the people of Joyous Birth. Participants are Australian homeschoolers including many natural learners & unschoolers. Its still early days for this forum and its tone is one of non judgement and openess which will surely help it grow into a vibrant supportive online community. Say hi if you sign up… I check in pretty regularly.

BEVERLY PAINE’S HOMESCHOOL AUSTRALIABeverly Paine is one of the pioneers of Australian homeschooling and this site reflects the breadth of her writing and involvement in the area. The site and contents pitch itself quite broadly with many resources for homeschoolers in general, including unschoolers. Sign up to Beverley’s newsletter to stay informed about all things homeschooling.

OTHER SITESHome Education Network is a group primarily based around Melbourne, who put out a magazine called Otherways. Since the demise of the magazine Education Choices, I believe Otherways is the only homeschooling mag left in the country. Its well worth a subscription with lots of natural learning content. The trick is not to get “homeschool group envy” by seeing all the listing for events that the Melbourne HEN group has planned in its pages for those of us in other parts of the country. Their site is regularly updated and worth a look too.

Home Education Association is the main advocate group for Australian Homeschoolers so definitely worth a mention here.

These resources are great and essential for Australians but if you are getting really into unschooling, especially radical unschooling then i suggest that you also explore sites outside of Australia also, especially ones based in the US which has the main unschooling population. Have a look at some links to sites here or reviews of other egroups here.

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• before I had children I thought sleeping in was waking up after lunch… now I think its getting to 8am
• before I had children I wondered what stay at home parents did with all their time… now I wonder what people without children do with all of theirs
• before I had children friends called me an “unsociable bastard” when I did not go out at night… now when the same thing happens they call me a “responsible father”
• before I had children I wore a lot of black… now, thanks to my daughter’s constant encouragement there is much colour in my life
• before I had children I managed to hide many of my personal failing, short comings and control freakish nature, even from myself… now interactions with my children seem to have a knack of exposing them all to the cold hard light of day
• before I had children I never really appreciated my parents… now I realise that they did the best they possibly could
• before I had children I talked much, much more and was always right… now I am learning to listen, understand, be more open and am starting to get that being right is not so important after all
• before I had children I was once a kid myself… now with help from my children I am often reintroduced to the wonderment, excitement, passion, mindfulness and curiousity of that child still within me
• before I had children my partner and I nearly broke up because I did not want children… now, well, lets just say that we are all entitled to make mistakes hey?
• before I had children I used walk past earth moving equipment and shiny rocks without a thought… now I can’t walk past a construction site without thinking of my son’s excitement or a shiny rock without picking it up for my daughter’s “crystal” collection
• before I had children I was vague, had no sense of direction and had the short term memory of a gold fish … now… well… perhaps some things don’t change after all

I could keep this up for a long time but I’d rather leave room for you to add your own in the comments below…

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The following quote is from one of my favourite unschool writers, Joyce Fetteroll. Along with Rue Kream’s book, Joyce’s web site has been a key resources for my own unschooling journey.

Joyce wrote this in a discussion on the Unschooling Basics egroup and Ive reproduced it here with her permission:

Teachers face this huge pile of bricks stacked up for them that they’re required to hand to the child in a specific order. They’re always facing that pile and handing off bricks and judging to see how well they’re transferring the pile.

Unschoolers don’t have a pile. They have the world around them. But instead of facing the world, they face the child. If the child asks for a brick, you hand it to them. But you’re confident the child is running around picking up her own bricks because you’ve got her out in the world (instead of locked up in the classroom with the bricks controlled by the teacher). If you know of an interesting brick that would go with the one she’s asked for or picked up, point it out. If she’s interested, find more. If she’s not, let it go.

As well as stirring up Pink Floyd song lyrics in my head, I felt that this quote captured an element of unschooling that I am appreciating more and more. For me it has been the opportunity to let go of external measures, bench marks, grades, classifications, labels… basically letting go of external agendas and judgements as the guide to my parenting.

I have found stepping outside of the school and “education” system, although creating anxious moments on occasions, has ultimately given me the opportunity to totally focus on getting to know, to support, to learn with and trust our children.

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